panic friggin sucks

i am so tired of it happening. things go good and then bam, it hits. i have been stressed out for a number of reasons. never in my life have i experienced a lot of things that i am going through. while this is a learning process and will make me so much stronger, going through it sucks ass and is tough. i'm trying to not let things get to me, mainly wondering what people are thinking and saying. i've always been a people pleaser and it is getting better. slowly but surely i will get through all of this and i will be stronger.

i felt like a total fool when my panic attack happened. it was a decent night. eric was almost off and had one more thing to do. i freaked out not knowing where he went and bam....i went running through the back of walmart in a full panic looking for him or for anyone. i knew there were people in the break room but no one i really know that well. i saw his supervisor and then i calmed down. a couple of minutes later i saw eric and was relieved. i have no idea where that came from. i did survive but it scared me tonight at work by thinking it could happen again. that's the anticipatory anxiety at work. all night i was tired and just wanted to cry. i talked to eric about what all was going on before work and then i started to feel better.

i am feeling lost in my spiritual walk. i feel like i need guidance of some sort and the guidence i ever received was from watching joyce meyer on tv and the bible. but i'm having issues with not wanting to be in an organized religion but i feel like i need to be somewhere but not sure where. i know there is a higher power. i know what you tell the universe, it listens. what i am having problems with is my walk. my journey through life with some sort of being around me. i mean i know there is but i guess what i am trying to say is i miss the fellowship. i don't want to be preached to and things shoved down my throat, i want to be around people that will help me grow on a spiritual level and not a level that is a certain religion or belief. i believe god put is all here for different purposes. i don't' think there is a right or wrong religion, i just want to find some sort of spirituality to help me. does any of this make sense?

still wanting to create. i did start a layout using the picture of aimee, carla and i. i'm not sure what else it needs. so it is sitting next to me till i figure it out. i have a lot to figure out...maybe that is my problem, i have a lot to figure out, well maybe i should just let it happen instead of trying to fix it all the time????