when

when will life get better? i couldn't sleep well last night thinking about the text i got from dallas. he still doesn't have a steady job. says there isn't much temp work in springfield, which i find hard to believe. he hasn't really looked at anything since he feels confident about this one interview. in the meantime it has been 2 weeks since he left. said he was going to pay this and that. says hopefully next week he will pay the cell phone bill. i am completely stressed about money. he said he would help pay the car payment but how can he when he doesn't have a steady income? i am so pissed off at him i could scream. he just leaves without any job. i heard divorce would be hard but shit give me a bit of a break here. my hours are cut down about 4 to 5 hours at work with this stupid scorecard system they started. i want to go to personnel but tell them i need something more but they don't hire fulltime any more.

last night when i couldn't sleep i layed there thinking how i wish i could just go back to the way things were. at least i didn't worry about money. at least if i needed dog food i could get it and not worry. i am learning a lot through all of this though. i am not used to being low on cash. i am use to buying a book if i want to. i am used to buying a shirt or jeans if i want. things were so much easier back then even though i was unhappy. what do you go with, easy or unhappy?

i have been happy relationship wise. that i can't complain about at all. i'm just not happy with my hours being cut. being short on cash. not being able to even buy a friggin magazine. i'm not expecting dallas to buy me stuff, i am expecting him to hold up his end of the bargin and pay the cell bill and the car payment. he said he would send extra if he could. i have no idea how he is going to buy the car payment in 2 weeks.

you know, everyone thought how great of a guy he was. no one knew till a year or so ago that i was unhappy. i have been so unhappy for so long. i won't bash him but in a way i am like "ha....see, he isn't mr. wonderful after all." he didn't take care of me when we were married, only in monetary ways. sure he would go with me when i wanted to go to the mall or where ever. you know...he bitched a few times about "when was the last time we did this...." i could barely get the guy out of the house when i needed to go somewhere.

i felt a huge burden lift when he left. though it was sad, i felt relieved that i would never again have to face his family. none of them ever liked him. his brother's wife thinks she is the "godly" woman. she is so fake. omg i can't explain in one post how relieved i am that i am not dealing with them any more. you know...maybe he is working and they talked him out of sending me money? well if they car gets taken away it is in his name so that won't phase me one bit except for i love my jeep. part of me wants to believe him but part of me says no. come on, i know the economy is crap right now, but he had time to go to springfield to look for jobs and only took 1 day to do it. total complete bullshit. i guess he wants to stay with his mom for the rest of his life.

i am pissed and pms'y. tired of looking at this house and what all he left behind. i really want to sell it and move on. i want this divorce to be over and to not worry about one damn thing. i tried scrapping last night, didn't work. wonder if i am burnt out on this hobby and need a new one? i think my stuff looks like shit. it's hard to concentrate when in the back of your head is this voice that reminds you that you used to be on design teams and were published. it says "you think someone would like that? you think that is publishable material?" i have dealt with that since i left simple scrapbooks. the pressure and competition made me second guess all more work.

i know i am stronger than i have been in years. i am doing things i never thought i would do. i need to get through this phase and it will be good. once he gets a job it will relieve some stress. perhaps i need to get a part time job to help till things get better? i want to be the type of person that just takes things in stride. who creates for the passion and not the pleasing of others. there is this person in me wanting out. wanting to make a great life for myself. i know what i am going through now will teach me what i need to learn to make myself better. i will be patient....for now.

peace.