12 posts from October 2008

i am so tired of it happening. things go good and then bam, it hits. i have been stressed out for a number of reasons. never in my life have i experienced a lot of things that i am going through. while this is a learning process and will make me so much stronger, going through it sucks ass and is tough. i'm trying to not let things get to me, mainly wondering what people are thinking and saying. i've always been a people pleaser and it is getting better. slowly but surely i will get through all of this and i will be stronger.

i felt like a total fool when my panic attack happened. it was a decent night. eric was almost off and had one more thing to do. i freaked out not knowing where he went and bam....i went running through the back of walmart in a full panic looking for him or for anyone. i knew there were people in the break room but no one i really know that well. i saw his supervisor and then i calmed down. a couple of minutes later i saw eric and was relieved. i have no idea where that came from. i did survive but it scared me tonight at work by thinking it could happen again. that's the anticipatory anxiety at work. all night i was tired and just wanted to cry. i talked to eric about what all was going on before work and then i started to feel better.

i am feeling lost in my spiritual walk. i feel like i need guidance of some sort and the guidence i ever received was from watching joyce meyer on tv and the bible. but i'm having issues with not wanting to be in an organized religion but i feel like i need to be somewhere but not sure where. i know there is a higher power. i know what you tell the universe, it listens. what i am having problems with is my walk. my journey through life with some sort of being around me. i mean i know there is but i guess what i am trying to say is i miss the fellowship. i don't want to be preached to and things shoved down my throat, i want to be around people that will help me grow on a spiritual level and not a level that is a certain religion or belief. i believe god put is all here for different purposes. i don't' think there is a right or wrong religion, i just want to find some sort of spirituality to help me. does any of this make sense?

still wanting to create. i did start a layout using the picture of aimee, carla and i. i'm not sure what else it needs. so it is sitting next to me till i figure it out. i have a lot to figure out...maybe that is my problem, i have a lot to figure out, well maybe i should just let it happen instead of trying to fix it all the time????

 

man, those 2 days off went fast. back to work we go! mom is doing great. so glad all went smoothly this time. i hope it is a sign that the infection will be gone for good this time and no more hospital visits or surgeries. got my hours cut again. the next schedule i am down 2 more hours bringing it to 27 hours. i am going to talk to personnel today and see what is up. i can't drop any more. i have talked to my immediate manager, my asst. manager and one of the co-managers. no one seems to care that i need to have my 34 hours. i have to find a place to go, even if it is as a cashier, eric says i will hate it. but i can't continue to drop in hours. stressed about that. hell, what am i never stressed about?

off to get ready for work.
peace.

mom's surgery last about 15 to 20 minutes. they got out what infection was in there. she will be in the hospital for the rest of the week. she looks great. she isn't connected to an iv. i'm breathing a huge sigh of relief. on our way home from the hospital, eric spotted this car.

and since we always play the "slug bug" game, he had to speed up so i could take a picture.

i met eric's parents last night. we had dinner at cafe del'rio. i was so nervous but all went great. they are really friendly and awesome. it was a very nice dinner.

nothing else is new.

waiting for noon to come for mom to have her 4th surgery in 2 months. stressed and worried.

when will life get better? i couldn't sleep well last night thinking about the text i got from dallas. he still doesn't have a steady job. says there isn't much temp work in springfield, which i find hard to believe. he hasn't really looked at anything since he feels confident about this one interview. in the meantime it has been 2 weeks since he left. said he was going to pay this and that. says hopefully next week he will pay the cell phone bill. i am completely stressed about money. he said he would help pay the car payment but how can he when he doesn't have a steady income? i am so pissed off at him i could scream. he just leaves without any job. i heard divorce would be hard but shit give me a bit of a break here. my hours are cut down about 4 to 5 hours at work with this stupid scorecard system they started. i want to go to personnel but tell them i need something more but they don't hire fulltime any more.

last night when i couldn't sleep i layed there thinking how i wish i could just go back to the way things were. at least i didn't worry about money. at least if i needed dog food i could get it and not worry. i am learning a lot through all of this though. i am not used to being low on cash. i am use to buying a book if i want to. i am used to buying a shirt or jeans if i want. things were so much easier back then even though i was unhappy. what do you go with, easy or unhappy?

i have been happy relationship wise. that i can't complain about at all. i'm just not happy with my hours being cut. being short on cash. not being able to even buy a friggin magazine. i'm not expecting dallas to buy me stuff, i am expecting him to hold up his end of the bargin and pay the cell bill and the car payment. he said he would send extra if he could. i have no idea how he is going to buy the car payment in 2 weeks.

you know, everyone thought how great of a guy he was. no one knew till a year or so ago that i was unhappy. i have been so unhappy for so long. i won't bash him but in a way i am like "ha....see, he isn't mr. wonderful after all." he didn't take care of me when we were married, only in monetary ways. sure he would go with me when i wanted to go to the mall or where ever. you know...he bitched a few times about "when was the last time we did this...." i could barely get the guy out of the house when i needed to go somewhere.

i felt a huge burden lift when he left. though it was sad, i felt relieved that i would never again have to face his family. none of them ever liked him. his brother's wife thinks she is the "godly" woman. she is so fake. omg i can't explain in one post how relieved i am that i am not dealing with them any more. you know...maybe he is working and they talked him out of sending me money? well if they car gets taken away it is in his name so that won't phase me one bit except for i love my jeep. part of me wants to believe him but part of me says no. come on, i know the economy is crap right now, but he had time to go to springfield to look for jobs and only took 1 day to do it. total complete bullshit. i guess he wants to stay with his mom for the rest of his life.

i am pissed and pms'y. tired of looking at this house and what all he left behind. i really want to sell it and move on. i want this divorce to be over and to not worry about one damn thing. i tried scrapping last night, didn't work. wonder if i am burnt out on this hobby and need a new one? i think my stuff looks like shit. it's hard to concentrate when in the back of your head is this voice that reminds you that you used to be on design teams and were published. it says "you think someone would like that? you think that is publishable material?" i have dealt with that since i left simple scrapbooks. the pressure and competition made me second guess all more work.

i know i am stronger than i have been in years. i am doing things i never thought i would do. i need to get through this phase and it will be good. once he gets a job it will relieve some stress. perhaps i need to get a part time job to help till things get better? i want to be the type of person that just takes things in stride. who creates for the passion and not the pleasing of others. there is this person in me wanting out. wanting to make a great life for myself. i know what i am going through now will teach me what i need to learn to make myself better. i will be patient....for now.

peace. 

got up late. didn't want to get up. tomorrow should be interesting since i go in at 2 lol. i got some pictures back at Walmart that i am anxious to use. i started working on one layout. i'm going to be working on my front bedroom tuesday night after work, if i'm not too tired, and then wed. hopefully thursday i can buy some paint and begin the transformation. not sure what color to go with yet. thinking a blue'ish color or a yellow'ish color. i can't wait to have plenty of room to walk around and put my stuff away. eric will get my old scrapbook room for his computer and stuff. that place is still a mess. man, i won't let me house go that bad again. lol. well my scrapbook room that is.

off to get ready to go to work. fun fun!

I hate working with people that don't want to do their job. I hate it when they don't listen to anyone, even management. Hopefully today things will change with the score card coming into effect. I got my hours cut due to it but will try to stay there if i can get back up to at least 32 hours. I am already stressed due to him saying he wil send money and he has no job but temp work and says how he "MIGHT" be able to make the cell phone payment next week. I am totally stressed out and wondering how in the hell I am going to do this. So if I don't get the hours I need to survive at Walmart, I will have to go to personel and see if they can find a place to give me more hours. If they can't I will have to look for something else. I don't want to because they have great benefits and I would like to move up in the company, but it is frustrating when you work hard and others don't and you can't get hours because you do work. I guess that is life, huh?

peace!

it's hard creating these days with so much on my mind. i couldn't get into the grove of things in my tiny room any more so i moved the major stuff to the front of the living room till i get the front bedroom cleared out and painted. here is my little nest for now.

here is a layout i started a few weeks ago, well a month ago now that i look at the date. finished it up last night.

and here are two cards i made.

i wanted to make more but i just couldn't get into it after i made the halloween card. so much on my mind. going through divorce sucks butt. i got to thinking how he told his family god knows what and my family about how i got us behind on bills. yeah...i have always looked like the bad person. and now here i am wondering if he will send money. he leaves here with no job and says he will help till i can get on my feet. as smart as the man is you would think he would get a job first and then move. so i have been up late and crying to eric about how i feel overwhelmed. he is such an amazing person. i am so lucky he is mine. i can FINALLY talk to a man and not be critized for what i say. feels pretty darn good.

i do have a few ideas for layouts. i hope i can start working on those in the next few days. i got ordered a book from hastings and it is in. (think i will take some book back and see if they will buy them so i can buy this book and not wait till thursday).

  

i looked at it while i was at hastings to see if i needed to sell some books to buy it sooner and yes i do. right now i need all i can to get my creativity back and functioning.

well it is almost 4am. guess i need to get to bed.
peace!

I am finally scrapping. man i so need this. so come back tomorrow and see what i made! :)

 

I've stayed late the last two nights and I am zonked. With my cold it has knocked me on my butt. I didn't want to get up today but I did...well I had to. lol

Soooo want to make something. I so want to create and relax. I have felt plugged up for a while now and need to let it out. ugggg. I want to make that mini album of 10 pictures. I still will, it will just have a different date.

Tony won finally yesterday! I put up Tony shirts in front of all the Nascar shirts we have at work. I wanted to take a picture but forgot when I left work. Too much cold medicine makes the mind go. Speaking of go.....

peace!