Posts (page 2)

Didn't create anything on my days off. Hopefully I will on my next days off. *fingers crossed* Have and cold. Probably a lot to do tonight at work since we had 2 trucks and only one person during the day but yet 4 of us tonight??? Oh well. I like putting freight away. I like the chance to get away from the phones for a while. With this new scheduling they are going to do, I won't be on the phone as much. yay!!!!

Off to finish up the bacon, eat, shower and then work.

peace!

Read this on Cathy's blog. I am totally pysched. I soooo want to scrap and this could get me back in the mood to do it. Actually I had already planned on scrapping tonight, Cathy's blog just set the tone for it. YAY!

Eric and I were eating at the Deli the other day. We were taking pictures of each other with our phones. He deleted his or I would have made a layout with them....ahhh still might.

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And him acting like a tard:

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Well I am off to get the dogs some snacks. They didn't have any last night and I heard about it. Dottie will keep on till I give her something. Vinnie is happy with a bone, Dottie...no. I love my babies. So glad they are here with me. 

peace!

Tonight after work, well last night since I am writing this in the am after I got off work, I went and worked out at girlfriends. Aimee joined me, fun! I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, then did weights, then did 30 minutes on the eliptical. I know I will be paying for it tomorrow when I wake up, which is today if you are reading this right now. I totally needed it both metally and physically. There's nothing like a good workout to get your mind off of things. It is so great to connect with Aimee again...girl I have missed the girl times!

Tried to make cards last night, which is really last night and not now if you are reading this today and thinking it was last night. Confused...yeah me too. I just can't make anything. My mind is blank. Hopefully after next week all will be better and I can start to focus on my future that I have been so anxiously waiting for.

And Aimee...I leave this for you. And now I can't breathe after I watched it.

Sept 25

1. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/andidfl/434083349/">Low Orange 1, 2. http://www.flickr.com/photos/pensiero/131919594/">Orange mood, 3. http://www.flickr.com/photos/neloqua/145458778/">Orange as any orange on a tree, 4. http://www.flickr.com/photos/rockwilda/1366199029/">orange again ..., 5. http://www.flickr.com/photos/keesssss/131921897/">Orange</a>, 6. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/11445691@N02/2828441697/">The Orange Chapel, 7. http://www.flickr.com/photos/nancyandwayne/2066883163/">Orange Glow, 8. http://www.flickr.com/photos/curreyuk/2405502288/">Orange Doors and Shutters, Rochechouart, Limousin, France, 9. http://www.flickr.com/photos/good_day/175255509/">Orange and Blue on the Lake - real version

Check this out!
Photos and texts for your toast! yeah....toast!

And this is kinda cool.

And this would be awesome to do since I have developed a thing for signs.

I tried uploading some photos that I took on Sunday but they won't upload here. I uploaded them to my myspace. check'em out.

ready to start the next chapter of my life. though when he leaves for good on tuesday i will be sad, i know that this was for the best. i can't wait to start taking pictures and documenting my life. i can't wait for all the fun stuff to start. i want to get pictures of eric and i taken. i want to do them myself since i will be low on cash for a few months till dallas can send money. one thing i am terribly stressed about is money. not sure when he will get paid to send me money. anyways....i can't wait for the happiness to finally take place and for my life to start fresh and new. here's to many, many happy years!

I did make a couple of cards the other night. Got frustrated at myself because I can't do stamps that well. I love stamps. Look at them and think of all I can make with them and bammmmmm....nothing.

Too much going on. Mom back in the hospital. She is doing great. Just waiting on the dr to release her. Her leg started bleeding due to the infection she had. The infection loosened a couple of stitched and started the bleeding. My life. Feel like I am in two different worlds right now. I'm not looking forward to saying goodbye. Though this is what I want, saying goodbye will be hard. How can something that I want so badly and wanted for so long be so hard? I think it is the unknown. Not knowing if I can afford this and that. Actually, money will be  better. Dallas is going to help out as much as he can. I feel like everyone is mad at me because of this. But no one, expect for a few, know how unhappy I have been for so long. I don't understand why I am not happy. I think too much about I should be thinner for Eric. I should be this. I should be that.

Today is a day that I don't want to be alone but I will stay at home and do the carpets and maybe watch some tv because I think I do need to be alone. Just one more week then maybe I will feel some what better.

Been getting anxious at work after 11 when the people I work with go home. I want 2 hours for Eric to get off. I don't know any night people. He texts me when he is going to out to the floor. I thought he was somewhere and wasn't and I panicked. Felt like an idiot. Stopped and associate and asked her if she'd seen him. Told her I was having a panic attack and she was like "you want to call him from my phone." That was nice. So knowing that there is someone that I know I can go to helps. I have in my mind that no one will help me. LIke I trust no one. I think it is because I don't want to tell anyone about my issues and them wondering off and not talking to me. Been hurt in the past and it still lingers from time to time.

Ok...off to relax and try to get stuff off my mind.

I saw this at Cathy Z's site.

How far I have come. A year ago I wasn't doing a quarter of what I am doing now. Driving at night other than the usual route home wasn't doable. Going into Walmart late at night, or evening for that matter...no. I held these fears into me and was too afraid to act on them. The thoughts of staying at home alone scared the crap out of me. The thoughts of going to the movies at dark...none. The thoughts of driving to Walmart or anywhere alone, besides the 3 to 4 block radius...no way. Working at a different place with people I don't know...no friggin way!

Today I am doing so much that I never dreamed would happen again. I am working at a new place and making new friends. I am driving to work without calling anyway to talk to. Enjoying the ride by listening to music. I love to drive and turn up the music and song. Rarely do I get to do that. I am staying at home. I am driving a lot further by myself. I am going places at night. It's a complete change. It feel wonderful. And you know what has changed all of this? The love in my life. The man that makes me feel alive, beautiful and that I can do anything. I knew I wanted to change so I could be with him. I had to change so I could have a happier life. I want to be with him and not with the old me.

I have realized that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I realize that the negative thoughts I think determine how I react, if I will be happy or anxious. It has taken me so long to realize this but now that I have I know I can do anything. I have such great support in family and friends, I don't know what I would do without them.

I am so excited about my new life. Though I am losing a part of my life from the last 17 years, I am growing and ready for what is next. I know things won't be easy at times, but with everyone around me I know I can do it. I am making friends at work and one told me that if I ever need to talk let her know. She went through a divorce as well. For once in many, many years I am totally in love. I can say what I want. I can talk to him about anything. It is such a relief to feel this. I haven't had this in years. I think our marriage was in trouble about 10 so years ago. I won't go into details but that's when I started to feel it.

I'm ready for the next chapter in my life. I do want to write a book, in fact started it a few years back, but put it off till I could have a good ending. Who wants to read a book that is all negative with no happy ending? So maybe next year I can start on that. I am a survivor of agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. I do need to get out and get out of town but that will come soon. Too much right now to work on that.

"Thinking about interior peace destroys interior peace. The patient who constantly feels his pulse is not getting any better." -- Hubert van Zeller

For so many years, nearly all of our marriage it was "once you make it to Springfield......" It was always Springfield. Never Girard. Never Kansas City...always to his family. I had beat myself up so many times thinking about how I need to get there. I need to go see them. I need to make it regardless. I was always thinking how I needed to make him and his family happy and making it to Springfield was it. And you know....I never made it. I think it was because it was for all the wrong reasons. I never felt the bond with them. I think it  was because i heard I would never be a part of the family till I made it to Springfield. That is why I never had the desire to make it there. And you know, no one from his family has called me since they have learned of our seperation. His mom has called everyone to tell them like she is so excited that I am out. My parents cried, even my dad. They want him to come back and visit and keep in touch. But not one damn word from his family. I don't care. It just proves they never liked me or cared.

So here's to a new life. A life of happines. Travel. Memories. Love. Experience. I am ready for it.

I so need this little bit of time to let my creativeness come out. I enjoy crocheting but the feeling and smell of paper and ink...awesome! Just what I need before I go to work tonight. I have tomorrow off and I plan on doing more creating.

"Money cannot fill an empty soul."

-- Julia Cameron & Mark Bryan

I'm having a hard time with money issues lately. I think it is because Dallas is trying to get things paid up to date before he leaves soooo no extra cash. I need retail therapy once in a while. My problem, I get paid and don't make it stretch like I should. I am learning and it is a lesson that I really need to learn. For the longest time I went shopping to feel my empty soul. I was alone. I was in need of love and attention. What made me feel loved was clothes, since I lost some weight, and various things I didn't need but filled the void till I could find something to fill it up. Now my soul is a lot better in many ways. So the universe is showing me in a few ways that money doesn't buy happiness and I am learning. It is a bit tough, but the lesson needs to be learned.